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Conflict can be a good thing when we operate out of respect for ourselves and for others.  

Being willing to negotiate conflict with another human being, to tell the truth about meanings and interpretations, generates the opportunity to discover what our convictions are, and to learn how others relate to those convictions.  The process of negotiating through conflict can also reveal faulty convictions and allow us to let go and grow.

Negotiating through conflict is key to human understanding and to relationship building.  It provides food for communications at all levels, and enables our humanity to grow out of stagnation and into creative space where our imaginations can soar, and our experiences can inform us.   

Love deepens with the resolution of conflict.  Left unattended, conflict will shut down communications, and thwart relationship building.  So we encourage people to go ahead and vent, air out, get angry and get complete.   But we request that we do it with some training to avoid the conditioned response reactions that people often use to abuse each other.    

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Introduction

46 U x7g+ `2 (

1. Misology

572 8o2 (

2. Rule Number One

68" 9o2 (

3. Rule Number Two

79 :oc2 (

4. Rule Number Three

8: ~;oM2 (

5. Making Amends

9;2` |<g8 `2 (

6. Preferences

:<f` w=g- `2 (

7. Demands

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About Us

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We have two choices, to be silent or to be kicked out of the group, until we have some tools to help us.  Harvard Business School presented a course on negotiating conflict in the eighties and we provide some of that information here in a nutshell.  We share some simple rules to make this a healthy experience, and to assist us in getting beyond the fear or hatred of argument, debate, reason, and enlightenment.   

Learning how to negotiate conflict destroys the trance caused by misology, and lifts all denial around misogyny.  Understanding of others and respect for the convictions of others allows for diversity and makes room for differing belief systems so that people do not have to die over their differences.  

What does it mean to argue?  To debate?  To reason?  To enlighten?  And why should that be so difficult for people to do?  We assert that the aristocracy created some ground rules to replace our  2500 year old code of ethics.  These upper class coded ground rules are the rules of etiquette and can be found in any "good manners" rule books.  On the surface these rules appear to give the "outspoken" folks a choice between silence or rejection from the group.   

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Belongingness rates as one of our strongest needs, and we cling to this ability to belong by following these rules of etiquette.  We take instruction for self-censorship, maintaining the status quo by the installation of our very own thought police regarding "proper" behavior.  Without comprehension of this self generating process,  we cannot dismantle it.  The distinction we call ethics is not an option in this perceptual field, because we do not see it as a possibility.  

When we follow these rules of etiquette, we adhere to this rule of silence.  And should our human rights be invaded, we do not know how to respond, but with silence.  These rules maintain an appearance of peace for the group, but they cause inner resentment when we have a bonafide nit to pick, or our position makes waves or puts a kink in a system of silence that allows Machiavellian strategies to continue unabated.

We expose the rules of etiquette and offer in their place the original code of ethics.  (go to Education>Civility/Mentors>Western Thinkers>Aristotle)  Ethical practice means that we now display our character intelligently and with goodwill toward ourselves and others.  Our own self-interest, coupled with other-interest, wills out in the negotiation, rather than who is the superior and who is the subordinate.   

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In a peer to peer debate, the argument begs for the convictions of the speakers to be  heard and to use reason to set the stage for the enlightenment of both parties.   

When we know someone's convictions and differences we can agree to disagree and respectfully disengage.  But what we gain is an opportunity to hear ourselves think and reason out loud, and not get knifed in the back for those convictions.

 

Negotiating through conflict is only possible in an ethical, logical, and passionate argument, and not possible in an immature or insecure argument, where there are hidden agendas.  Lack of ethics will not bear fruit in this process.  

There is no negotiating among superior/subordinate dyads, by virtue of the fact that the subordinate is subject to the will of the superior.  Where there are deference patterns,  arbitration rules out over negotiation.   

Negotiation can only occur among peers, or between people of independent standing from one another, people who are in relationships out of choice or circumstance (such as people in adult families or in affiliated groups of common purpose) and who have made no agreements of deference.

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WHAT IS MISOLOGY?  

Misology is what puts us to sleep on issues that we refuse to confront.  Operative misology is what makes it socially acceptable to walk away and pretend things don't matter.  It is what keeps in place rules of etiquette that say we will not be able to belong if we do not allow the fear of isolation to keep us quiet.  

The problem with a blanket of misology pulled over our eyes is that there are really important issues regarding our health and well being that need to be argued and debated such that we can find reason, and become more enlightened by the wisdom available to us when we look for it.

Misology is bad for evolution and great for keeping people small and inarticulate.   And if our educational system does not teach our children how to analyze and debate issues, than all of our hard won battles for the safety and the well being of ourselves and others

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NEGOTIATING CONFLICT | Misology

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can fall to the wayside in a sleepy hollow of ignorance.  This ignorance is infiltrating our liberties and freedoms and we really need to wake up and cause some cracks in this fragile egg of doom that is generated by mainstream media.

If we were to really see this misology at work we would see that ignorance is not bliss at all.  Yet, this ignorance prevails in most of our communications.  Misology sources the potential to damage relationships forever for no real or valid reason.  It is the unconscious missing link, the unknowing of which, that causes mass murder, mass genocide and is the essential prop for suicide to occur.   No one is listening.  No one is speaking up.

Can we believe that we are buying into this manufactured illusion?

And that our consuming and our tax paying dollars keep it all in place?  

Using the absence of reason and the suppression of argument and debate, our social fabric stagnates to the tune of TV and engineered industries that frankly do not support healthy lifestyles.

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Instead..... the current stream of public consciousness, brought to us by dupeville TV, directs our inbred, but suppressed, anger and hatred to aim at targets, staged by the markets that deal in the manufacture and shipment of weapons of mass destruction......to be unleashed on whomever we damn well please: our families, our neighbors, our planet.  

Why do we participate in this ungodly massacre of our humanity rather than speak out?

Speaking out predicts isolation, while finding, blaming, then punishing scapegoats symbolizes the power of unity.  In an environment of powerlessness, this unity gives vent to all of that suppressed angst within us.  We disown the horror of it by acting it out on a world stage in someone else's country in the expressed agreement of our "peers".

This  psychological dissociation of self-hatred is the result of misological conditioning that continues to suppress the American spirit. Without the language to identify it, it goes unchecked while looking for the perfect scapegoat to take away the sins of one's own inner world.

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Misology is defined in Webster's Dictionary as:

n. a hatred of argument, reasoning, or enlightenment.

A hatred of argument sounds reasonable.... thinking that the hatred of argument is probably a good thing because argument appears to trigger hatred, anger, war, violence....etc.

However, why would anyone want to hate reasoning or enlightenment?

This is where we really need to put on our paradoxical lenses if we want to break out of the Machiavellian mold that silences us.   

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While the hatred of argument appears to be right, it cannot be the thing to do because reasoning and enlightenment are born from argument and debate!  

Argument and debate actually deepen relationships, because when we care, we have to get to the heart of the matter.  

We have to learn someone's reasons, and become enlightened about those, in order to understand and accept their point of view if we are committed to the avoidance of a misological stance.

If the reasons are nonexistent, meaning the argument is a false one or is one based on selfish, thoughtless, or hidden agendas, rather than on the tenets of reason, then we know we are interacting with someone who lacks ethics and who is operating out of low trust or no trust and low or no agreement, and these people are time wasters.  

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Psychological damage occurs within us when we do not express our concerns.  When we eat our responses rather than enter into a healthy debate, they become part of our biology and surface as strokes, heart attacks, cancers and stress related diseases.  

In environments of no communication, we are Income streams for the Disease Industry.

When we are willing to enter into a debate on issues of importance to us, we are refusing to repress our concerns.  We are no longer willing to project and then act on issues inauthentically.  We no longer honor social systems that play by the rules of etiquette that will not let us argue.

We encourage the use of the following simple rules in negotiating our conflicts and in taking care of ourselves and others.  If we say we love, we must be willing to deepen that love by working with the forces of change that continually nudge us to do so.

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Rule number one:  

Everyone has a right to be on the planet.  

No one gets to die for

somebody else's good ideas,

or privileges, or resources.  

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NEGOTIATING CONFLICT | Rule Number One

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Sounds like just the rule we need to

eliminate the war industry, yes?

Maybe the crime industry as well.  

How do we get people to stop killing,

hurting, blaming each other?  

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To start, how about removing cartoons

that demonstrate to pre-verbal children

the non verbal language of violence

before they even learn to speak?  

Another clue:  Give people enough education and resources so that they are not thrown into

competitive modes in order to get their needs and desires met.

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Offer classes in argument, debate, reason, logic,

ethics, and passion in high school and make them

mandatory labs in college.    

Offer mentors in industries to intern high school and college students so they can learn how to speak their minds and get feedback that will not harm them.

Offer town meetings where people get to voice their

problems and get resolutions witnessed by their peers.

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Make sure people get their basic needs managed, as promised, so that unpredictable circumstances don't throw

them over the edge.

Put in place social programs that take care of people who have been thrown over the edge by their circumstances.

Recognize that despite the illusion of reality put forth by TV,

human beings are fallible, fragile, and gullible.  They require leaders that will lead ethically, logically, and passionately for them in the face of adversity.  

${aJ@##s@:Ol~H@@$@@@ #%H rule two$p0&@:Ol~H? | Arial Black }۟ 2|

Rule number two:  

we need to discover where,

in the following  four arenas,

the person we are negotiating with

stands in relationship to us.  

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NEGOTIATING CONFLICT | Rule Number Two

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First Arena

Allies:  

High Trust/ High Agreement..

........our pals.       .........remember them?

got any now?    ....If not, why not?  

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Second Arena

Opponents  

High Trust/ No Agreement..

........our mentors.       .........remember them?

......got any now?    ....If not, why not?  

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Third Arena

Bedfellows:  

Low Trust/ Low Agreement..

........our fence sitters.       .........remember them?

got any now?    ....If so, why?  

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Fourth Arena

Adversaries

NO Trust/NO Agreement...time wasters.....

........those strangers we think are our enemies.       

.........remember them?

got any now?    ....why bother?

we must!

 

@s@:Ol~H M 2|ff

Knowing where the person we are attempting to negotiate conflict with stands, which arena, goes a long way in assisting us in the preparation of our argument.

If we do not consider the arena, and go into a negotiation with the expectation that we will be treated fairly, we risk being duped.  

And when we have been treated unfairly, violence (verbal or non verbal) becomes a predictable response.  

If we know the arena of the person or persons we are preparing for, then we can climb into their shoes.  

 

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When we climb into their shoes and figure out what they want and need from us in order to get from them what we want and need, we will be able to empathize and trigger their empathy as well.

Negotiating from the point of view that we already know what is at stake for both parties allows the conversation to proceed ethically, logically, and passionately.   

Negotiating from the point of view that we are right and they are wrong, and we are out to prove that, will only keep the negative energy escalating until someone is hurt and the other eats an ego pill that poisons them even more.  

@@@@+H rule three$p0"&@:Ol~H" P {2|3

Rule number three:

make sure we have

a BATNA

before entering a negotiation.  

That way we won't want

to hurt or kill the person if they refuse

to negotiate or give us what we want.

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NEGOTIATING CONFLICT | Rule Number Three

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A BATNA

is the........

"Best Alternative To a

Negotiated Agreement".

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We basically figure out  

an alternative course of action

to get our needs met;

if our negotiation process

doesn't work,

we do our BATNA instead...

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that way

we don't want

to kill the person

or go home feeling bad

that it all didn't work out.

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Inventing a BATNA

is taking care of ourselves.  

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Making amends.....

cleaning up our past damage, current damage, and potential future damage can best remind us to refrain from generating any kind of damage to ourselves and to others.  

Making amends means making it right to the best of our ability...allowing others to make it right for damage to us, as well.

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NEGOTIATING CONFLICT | Making Amends

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Developing the ability to offer

Compassion and Forgiveness

will get us out of the old testament's "eye for an eye justice" and into the new testament of Christianity...

if that is what we are into....    

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Detachment and Right-Thinking

will assist us if we are grounded in the Eastern Religions....

The community grants beingness

for the humble who seek refuge

in the making of amends.....    

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Or simply following the Golden Rule

"do unto others

as you would have

them do unto you"

if we are secular thinkers...  

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Any of these ideas will assist us in getting to the heart of the matter, so that we, and those we are trying to negotiate with, can move on.  

Communication is crucial,

and withholding kills all possibilities...

we are all guilty and no one is to blame.  

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Making Amends

replaces the need

for scapegoats and exiles,

and allows for

the continuance of love....

Who doesn't want to be loved, is damaged.

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Preferences require that each of us

live inside a subjective reality

that determines where we end,

and where others begin.  

How do we know who is an ally,

an opponent, a bedfellow or an adversary unless we know

who we are in relationship to them?  

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NEGOTIATING CONFLICT | Preferences

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Knowing what our preferences are

is crucial to our selection of peers.

Without peers, we have no lovers, no friends, no communities, no businesses, no civilization.  

We are all potential peers.   

 

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However,

some of us

prefer similarities,

and some of us

prefer differences

in those

we want to relate with.  

 

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However,

some of us

prefer similarities,

and some of us

prefer differences

in those

we want to relate with.  

 

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what are your preferences?

for lovers?

for friends?  

colleagues?

etc?

̀:@s@:Ol~H; 2 ̙

know these and find some peace with your abilities to negotiate conflict with others.  

but we recommend that we not bother with adversaries

until we make some meaningful connections, because

they use the power of argument as a misologist does...

to wreck the peace and gain something they cannot get otherwise.....

̀;@@@@@1H demands$p0@&@:Ol~H@ b 2 Xf

Demands

Expressed or unexpressed, are present just the same,

Demands are one obvious source for generating conflicts...  

Expressed demands include everyone.

Unexpressed demands are covert, projected and disowned.  

However, we have them, nonetheless....

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NEGOTIATING CONFLICT | Demands

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Some of us have a demand for honesty,

Some for cleanliness,

Some for monogamy,

Some for neatness...

Others for a myriad of things.

As each of us are unique

In our characters

Fashioned, in part

From these precious demands

That define us.   

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Sometimes.....

we don't know

that we actually have demands,

and that "not knowing" gets us into

relationship troubles

over and over and over again.....

ad infinitum.    

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It is useful to know what your demands are

in a relationship, in a job,

in a deference pattern dyad.  

If you know, and the other person doesn't, one way to avoid conflict is

to clue them in as soon as possible.

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Satisfied demands

feed the animal nature

of the soul.....

so it doesn't perpetrate.

...If "human nature wants to serve"

and "animal nature wants to be divine"*,

we must insure that our demands

are heard and met with some dignity.

                                                                                             *george bataille

̀D@s@:Ol~HE  2tXf

Unsatisfied  demands

require conscious attention.......

We invent our BATNA

We dignify our animal nature

Our human nature offers service

We come home to being human.

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